When you locate and remove an old belief that was never yours, it completely alters your perspective. You could feel disoriented for awhile. You may experience a period of “Adaptation” where your entire System adjusts to the change.
This happened to me last weekend shortly after another massive Shift, and the recovery time on this one is slow. The belief I located was one the Christian Baptist Church embedded in me prior to 3 years old. We’re talking an OLD belief. We are talking one that went on to shape ALL of me. But it was never mine.
The belief was that “If I want love, acceptance, and romance, then I needed a husband.”
This core belief that wasn’t mine began a life-long pursuit for a husband. And it left me woefully disappointed when I did have a man in my life. Every time a relationship ended, the need and desire to “find the next man” was overpowering.
Until now.
I pulled myself out of all dating apps. I returned to celibacy. I embraced my Lesbian sexuality. Something I have been in conflict with my whole life.
The first emotion I experienced was elation and relief. Followed by depression and sadness. And now I am mellow. Not quite depressed. Definitely not balanced and content. Just mellow.
I returned to my Cognitive Core to evaluate why I was seemingly stuck in this mellow state, and I realized… Mellow is just part of the healing process. I just got my feet under me again.
I stay with the Garden because this… this is my happiness, my purpose, my compass. I’m doing this with or without you. But if you wish to follow, then I will lead you.
I launched my first ad campaign this last week to raise awareness for what it is I’m doing here. Through helping others, I heal. We all do. It’s how I plan to utilize my Healing Homes in the future. For now, I’m mending. I’m rebuilding. I’m healing. We all are.
People think… they expect Healers to be healed and wholly mended. This is not true. Healing is a lifestyle. It’s filled with Milestones that people (myself included) often assume are “The End.” I’ve had potential lovers tell me, “Call me when you’re done healing.”
Healing doesn’t work that way.
It’s a lifestyle. If you’re not working on Shadow Work, then you’re maintaining your current Subconscious. We are evolutionary creatures. We are forever growing and healing, or we’re decomposing. One thing we are not doing is standing still.
This truth is one that has motivated me all my life. For me, it was a choice: Grow or rot. Stagnant is not an option for evolutionary creatures. I chose to grow. I still choose to grow.
So to you, I will say Welcome. This is Exploratory Dialogues.
My Trauma left me with Multiple Personality Disorder. I use blogging to pull people into my Subconscious so you can see what the mind of a Multiple looks like from the inside.
But this last weekend, I integrated. I don’t need my Alters anymore. I realized I’m strong enough. I don’t need to protect me anymore. I’m finally wise enough to keep me safe.
I told a lady once about the work I do here. She looked at me and gasped, “So vulnerable.” Vulnerable. Yes.
Thing is… I don’t know any other way to be. I crave love and acceptance. I know now that if others are to love me, they must know me. And the price for love and knowing is vulnerability. And this… right here… is my vulnerability.
I’m also strong enough to keep me safe. Vulnerability does not mean Weak. It means Honest. It means Truth. It means Transparent.
The Healing Garden is a journey I am on. It is one I will be on for the rest of my life. It is filled with dips and falls, obstacles, set backs, and victories. It is filled with Milestones that I celebrate. I invite the world to follow me. I was raised in the Darkness and using my Hope Threads that I wove for myself, I found the way out.
And then I went back into the Darkness for you. I build a Beacon, my lighthouse and I filled it with everything it took to get me out of the Darkness so that you too can build your own Hope Threads and find your way out of the Darkness.
Not everyone wants to be saved though. I learned that the hard way.
Not everyone has the courage to be saved. I learned that the hard way… and I am not giving up on those ones. There are Shut-Ins lost to their Darkness. Empaths who barely escaped their Narcissist’s enslavement… Who are still enslaved. There are beaten and broken women with children desperate for a way out that will guarantee the safety of their children… I have lived almost every abuse imaginable. I have endured and survived it all. I live with little fear because I know I’ll survive.
I wish for every person to have this same confidence in themselves that I share.
Today is a mental day. Today I need to establish my foot hold in my new perspective. And learn to see the world differently. A week ago, I blindly trusted everyone. I had naive faith in mankind. I saw only the good in people to the detriment of my own safety… of my daughter’s safety. I had a lot to learn. I learned it well.
A week ago, I lived to find love, romance, and acceptance from a man. Today, I honor and realize and accept my Lesbian truth. I am learning how to live on my own. Stand on my own. Be on my own. So when I am ready to invite others into my life, I have something substantial to offer.
I am not a perfect Healer. I am just wisened, experienced, and knowledgable. I only look to share my life lessons with the world.