Exploratory Dialogue

Beliefs

When you locate and remove an old belief that was never yours, it completely alters your perspective. You could feel disoriented for awhile. You may experience a period of “Adaptation” where your entire System adjusts to the change.

This happened to me last weekend shortly after another massive Shift, and the recovery time on this one is slow. The belief I located was one the Christian Baptist Church embedded in me prior to 3 years old. We’re talking an OLD belief. We are talking one that went on to shape ALL of me. But it was never mine.

The belief was that “If I want love, acceptance, and romance, then I needed a husband.”

This core belief that wasn’t mine began a life-long pursuit for a husband. And it left me woefully disappointed when I did have a man in my life. Every time a relationship ended, the need and desire to “find the next man” was overpowering.

Until now.

I pulled myself out of all dating apps. I returned to celibacy. I embraced my Lesbian sexuality. Something I have been in conflict with my whole life.

The first emotion I experienced was elation and relief. Followed by depression and sadness. And now I am mellow. Not quite depressed. Definitely not balanced and content. Just mellow.

I returned to my Cognitive Core to evaluate why I was seemingly stuck in this mellow state, and I realized… Mellow is just part of the healing process. I just got my feet under me again.

I stay with the Garden because this… this is my happiness, my purpose, my compass. I’m doing this with or without you. But if you wish to follow, then I will lead you.

I launched my first ad campaign this last week to raise awareness for what it is I’m doing here. Through helping others, I heal. We all do. It’s how I plan to utilize my Healing Homes in the future. For now, I’m mending. I’m rebuilding. I’m healing. We all are.

People think… they expect Healers to be healed and wholly mended. This is not true. Healing is a lifestyle. It’s filled with Milestones that people (myself included) often assume are “The End.” I’ve had potential lovers tell me, “Call me when you’re done healing.”

Healing doesn’t work that way.

It’s a lifestyle. If you’re not working on Shadow Work, then you’re maintaining your current Subconscious. We are evolutionary creatures. We are forever growing and healing, or we’re decomposing. One thing we are not doing is standing still.

This truth is one that has motivated me all my life. For me, it was a choice: Grow or rot. Stagnant is not an option for evolutionary creatures. I chose to grow. I still choose to grow.

So to you, I will say Welcome. This is Exploratory Dialogues.

My Trauma left me with Multiple Personality Disorder. I use blogging to pull people into my Subconscious so you can see what the mind of a Multiple looks like from the inside.

But this last weekend, I integrated. I don’t need my Alters anymore. I realized I’m strong enough. I don’t need to protect me anymore. I’m finally wise enough to keep me safe.

I told a lady once about the work I do here. She looked at me and gasped, “So vulnerable.” Vulnerable. Yes.

Thing is… I don’t know any other way to be. I crave love and acceptance. I know now that if others are to love me, they must know me. And the price for love and knowing is vulnerability. And this… right here… is my vulnerability.

I’m also strong enough to keep me safe. Vulnerability does not mean Weak. It means Honest. It means Truth. It means Transparent.

The Healing Garden is a journey I am on. It is one I will be on for the rest of my life. It is filled with dips and falls, obstacles, set backs, and victories. It is filled with Milestones that I celebrate. I invite the world to follow me. I was raised in the Darkness and using my Hope Threads that I wove for myself, I found the way out.

And then I went back into the Darkness for you. I build a Beacon, my lighthouse and I filled it with everything it took to get me out of the Darkness so that you too can build your own Hope Threads and find your way out of the Darkness.

Not everyone wants to be saved though. I learned that the hard way.

Not everyone has the courage to be saved. I learned that the hard way… and I am not giving up on those ones. There are Shut-Ins lost to their Darkness. Empaths who barely escaped their Narcissist’s enslavement… Who are still enslaved. There are beaten and broken women with children desperate for a way out that will guarantee the safety of their children… I have lived almost every abuse imaginable. I have endured and survived it all. I live with little fear because I know I’ll survive.

I wish for every person to have this same confidence in themselves that I share.

Today is a mental day. Today I need to establish my foot hold in my new perspective. And learn to see the world differently. A week ago, I blindly trusted everyone. I had naive faith in mankind. I saw only the good in people to the detriment of my own safety… of my daughter’s safety. I had a lot to learn. I learned it well.

A week ago, I lived to find love, romance, and acceptance from a man. Today, I honor and realize and accept my Lesbian truth. I am learning how to live on my own. Stand on my own. Be on my own. So when I am ready to invite others into my life, I have something substantial to offer.

I am not a perfect Healer. I am just wisened, experienced, and knowledgable. I only look to share my life lessons with the world.

Frequency Dancing

Shadow Work – Unbreaking Me Part #2

I understand now. In 1993, I met a boy who would go on to terrorize me for 3 years. He was one year younger than me, but his violence, aggression, Narcissism, and pure evil reached levels that I didn’t quite process. In fact, I’ve never dealt with it.

Now, things are surfacing and I am having no choice, but to “deal” with it.

This is all about the relationship my Perspective and Subconscious has with the memories of this relationship. And it is time I deal with them.

Being raped on 10 May, really did a lot to surface my unresolved issues with Michael. They were horrific and, for some time, was the lesser of two evils I was forced to choose between. Michael’s evil reached realms of sick that, within 6 months, made me realize that the evil I was avoiding by “consenting” to Michael’s tactics were far greater mentally than the physically abuse I was seeking to avoid from my brother.

I short, I had to choose between being sexually imprisoned, tortured, and raped by Michael, or being killed by my brother who made a point of telling me every day that he would “fucking kill me.”

At 14 years old, Michael began with begging, taking advantage of my mental vulnerability, using threats to control and manipulate. He was sadistic, violent, and he threatened to kill people I loved if I didn’t have sex with him. He threatened to “return me to my brother.”

In addition, I have taken on additional mental damage by innocent by-standards and therapists trying to “help themselves understand my situation better,” all of whom simply made my situation worse.

NIMH, on a medical front, I can feel the chemicals in my brain shifting as re-shift my perspective around the truth and memories. I never thought of it before. How much memories play a significant part in the Cognitive Core. Memories are, it is as if they are, the data or “official mental file” on the situation with which to build my Cognitive Core on, fascinating.

I am now accessing that Cognitive Core file in the memory bank and using logic and formal argument to correct the lies and toxic beliefs that were supplanted into my Cognitive Core. My Subconscious, my Conscious is now ready to receive this.

Self, Dear Reader, may you witness and learn what I am doing so that you too can learn how this is done.

He was 14, and police, my parents, my family, my friends, my therapist in 2015, all said, “You were the predator because you were 15.”

My therapist said to me, “Were you really locked in the room?”

No. Because he didn’t have to use the lock. He just used fear and threats. Those were my cages.

He was 50 pounds bigger than me. He was 1 foot taller than me. He killed dogs, threatened to kill someone I love. He hit, threw things… he cut me and drank my blood. I was his little rape toy. Breaking up with him was difficult and took multiple attempts due to the co-dependency between us.

He cried to manipulate my heart strings. I would pity him and consent. He would throw a tantrum at rejection. He has spent more than 2/3rds of his adult like in prison due to manufacturing meth. Yeah, he’s “that” kind of bad, and at 14 he had me as his little sex slave.

I was pulled out of class in school one day. A guidance counselor and this police were there. Someone had filed a report. I suspect it was the man who I called father back then.

The police said to me, “If you get pregnant, I am PERSONALLY coming after you.” He accused me of statutory rape because I was 1 year older. The counselor said nothing.

That was the day I refused to trust or believe cops. I was alone.

Everyone was more interested in me leading the ethical path, than helping me. No one knew what threats he gave me. What I was forced to do. How much I was forced to serve him. How he used BDSM, to “Dom” me and sexually torture me. He was a woman-hater and a sadist who tortured women to avenge his mother. And he used my body as his playground.

I was in love with Jon, his best friend. Jon had introduced me to Michael to “get rid of me” because my love and affection for Jon annoyed him. The solution was to distract me with Michael.

Instead, Michael became obsessed and possessive of me. And the trauma that ensued, groomed me for the rapist that would come next.

Shadow Work – Unbreaking Me Part #1

Shadow Work time.

I had a thought earlier.

The thought immediately evoked the emotion “worry.”

It then switched over to “anxiety” and jumped to “panic.”

It moved FAST.

Why…

I recently have wanted to retain my privacy. I don’t know why. Since 2015, I have never felt the need or desire to be private. Lately… I have. My feelings are suddenly… not something I want to share with people. It’s like, “No. I’m not healing anymore. I no longer have mental illness. And now, I am closing the door on my journey. This is mine now.”

It may be the recent rape.

It may be the lack of mental illness.

Why am I suddenly “craving”… Not a craving. More like… my intuition is saying, “No, Anna. No. This is yours. We will not share “this” part of us with others any more. This will be ours.”

But… Journal? Private? Why? What is privacy? What does… This is a new emotion I think. Since my healing came to an end,

Anxiety… Sweaty palms… Want to cry…

Alright… Go through this.

Subconscious says, “Warning!” Okay…

Sad.

Want to cry.

Wait to respond.

Why can’t I remember my own work?

What was the thought? “Where is he?”

Why?

It’s 6:00 PM EST… That was the trigger.

You saw his texts and saw that he didn’t answer. You saw that he hasn’t read them.

Then you saw that he is ignoring you.

You are Unseen.

First… This is not about him.

You transfer your feelings onto him. He is just the subject.

“I feel so invisible. Unseen. Rejected… No… Invisible.”

I feel so, so invisible. Like… It’s a full panic attack.

What’s the source to this trigger?

“Walk it through, Anna.”

When did you feel invisible?

What does Invisible mean for you?

Nameless! Nameless! Nobody! No name. I didn’t exist!

Deeper.

When.

No one saw my pain.

Who didn’t see?

Self-care… Deep breath. No Imagination this time.

No Joanna. No Bergen.

They comforted me.

You can use Gestalt Chair Therapy.

I can…

Who didn’t see your pain?

I was no one. I didn’t exist. No one saw me.

Abandoned.

All the emotions. List them all.

Abandoned. Forgotten. I was forgotten.

I feel afraid.

Afraid of what?

This is Narcissism. This is OLD conditioning.

You have three triggers back to back within a minute of each other.

He didn’t answer.

6:00 PM at night.

Wait to respond.

You are having an anxiety/panic attack.

Motivator emotions: DO! Act! Call! Text! Answer!

Jerry is Panicking trying to get me to DO.

I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want any of this feeling anymore. I want to feel safe and loved and …

Who ignored you?

Everyone

Who ignored you…

Isaac…

Ignored. No answer.

Terry? No.

Lack of Trust.

Charlie.

Jon

Waiting… Who did you wait for.

I had to wait. I had to wait while I was neglected.

I had to wait while I suffered.

Waiting meant torture.

Michael

That room

Friends

Waiting

10 PM

I had to wait… in the room… for him to rape me.

I had to wait

And… I don’t want to remember

…

I feel sick. Like I toxin has surfaced. A 30 year okd toxin ans I feel sick.

7:56 PM. I felt triggeres. I was. 15 years okd. I told my Subconsicous I needed to remember. It was time I remmebered

I followed the memory back and listened to my intuition.

My Subconsixous blocked the memory.

“Xome on, sweethsart. We cna remembwr. Lets handle this. I can handle this.”

I imagined myself hugging my Subconscious. She relexed and let me in.

I followed my ex’a back.

Isaac? No ut was there bwofe him.

Twrry? No. Back

Charlie… Yes… wait… No. ? Charlie? Made worse by him, but now

Jon. (My subconscious skipped one)

I felt the lie.

“let me remember,” I told my subconscious. I can handle this now.

That was an hour ago. I am only now. Just now. 7;59 pm do I remebwr the name

Michael

I went back to the skiped memory. Nothing.

I talked to the subcoancioau.

Let me remebwr. I can remwbwe .

And my subconsixous lwt me have it.

The room. The waiting. The rape at 10. I felt the panic. I felt the memory.

I remebwred the emotions.

I was there again.

“No! I don’t want to remember!!” Not this! No!!

And it came to me.

Being forced to wait for my rape. Listening to them laugh and play while I waited in my horror and hell

And I remembered.

“Waiting” was the trigger.

It/ 8:04z I feel I feel sick/ The hormones in my system.

It was the rape from the other nught. It jarred my memory.

Being in that room again… Locked in a room being raped.

I finally remembered.

…

It is 8:09. I am home in my room again. I went for a walk with my daughter and got comfort food. I can feel the toxins.. They cause nausea. Self care tonight. Tomorrow I will have a lot of work to do. I’ll document it all.

It’s not often I have a fresh PTSD trigger I get to resolve for an audience. My god, I thought all my triggers were cleaned out. I thought my PTSD was gone.

Self-Care. I need water. a SHOWER. Food. TV. Sleep and a good cry.

Jammies and then TV.

Tomorrow, I will blog the event, and recall it. The belief. When it happened, for those six months, I rejected the beleif. I never called those 6 months rape.

I buried the memory. CHanged the belief to reflect what the rapist wanted so I could survive. If I didn’t believe him, I would be sent back to my brother to be beaten who would kill me. Until it got so bad, I knew I could survive the beatings.

I returned to live with my father. I was changed. I escaped. 3 days later, I would meet a pedophiole online. Charlie, who woudl go on to rape me for 5 years and on 9/11.

I was tryign to survive. i WAS 15 years old. I was just trying to live.

I never went back in and re-filed the memory/belief properly… until now. 25 May 2023 at 8:13 PM EST…

28 years that memory and belief sat in my subconscious, filed as asomething esle.

But the triggers “waiting,” being ignored, being invisible, being excluded, sharing a “partner” with friends… all of it meant I would be raped at 10 pM.

It’s out of me now. The memory is filed. the triggers all identified.

Tomorrow I need to do a chakra cleanse, purge the energy from taht memory.

Aligna dn balance my intuition and energy.

And then… tapping, mediation, and havening.

Tongith thouugh. Self care.

8:38 PM…

Shower and Tapping, Mediation and Energy Cleanse complete.

Comfort food and jammies. All my chakra stones.

Hey! Don’t judge me. If this is a placebo then it works and and that is solid medication. Personally. I think it’s Science that has to set aside it’s pompous ego and do the research in Quantum physics to prove this stuff is real. Anti-matter.

Now..

Tomorrow I will unblock my chakras, do a Havening… Tomorrow is a healing day and a self-care.

I invite you to join my on this healing journey while I face my demons and recover and claim myself from this abuser.

I love you all.

Preserve the Energy for we are one.

This isn’t about me finding me, the world, the path… this is me deciding what the rules are going to be.

Let’s assume for a moment that we don’t understand anything about this world. That we all function on the Surface. We choose our hair styles, clothes, our jobs, our social interactions. Our world.

But what if we have a… Dormant… This stuff is not yet discovered. It does not yet exist. But I see it. I feel it. I am looking right at it. So let me tell you what I see.

I am not a divine being who stands above you.

I am just the first divine being who has awakened. And I see things…

I talk to Psychologists who only see part of it. I talk to Astrologers who only see part of it. I talk to Healers and Reiki Masters who only see part of it.

I have stepped out of the Matrix. I can see… Imagine you have a dormant god sleeping inside of you. Your god sleeps. But its powers are still at work, effecting you.

This is metaphorical. Not literal. Stay with me.

Now some of us are rulers and leaders.

Some of us are thinkers.

Some of us are Adventurers.

… I thought I was curing mental illness, but this is more than that. This is part of this. I don’t just want you to cure your mental illness. I want you to KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Dear NIMH

This is not a “Dear NIMH” kind of letter, but, I found it to be quite relevant in my on-going research.

Joy from my work comes to me two-fold.

There is the work I see in my Self that leaves me nodding with affirmation saying, “Okay. This is it.”

And there is the change and relief I see in others when they apply my methods and theories to their own lives.

I am burnt out.

I’m too tired to think, but I can’t stop working. I raced through my healing realizing that my relationship was on the line. Realizing that, “If I don’t fix this soon, I’ll lose him.”

I don’t know if I lost him. I don’t know if… I don’t know.

I’m sitting here, too tired to think. So I close my eyes and just feel the emotions swirling and moving in around me.

A friend has invited me to the theater this evening. I’m fantasizing about going to the spa. I’m wondering if sleep or TV is what I need.

I put my head back and just feel.

I observe.

I shut down the words. I feel the worry and fear in my mind.

“That’s grief from the recent break up…”

I feel sad.

“That’s loss of dreams. Loss of a future I wanted. Loss of… there was so much I wanted to do with him that I never got to do. Other things that I never got to do enough of. There was just so much… pain and trauma and… Now that I’m healthy and better, I’m ready to celebrate. I’m ready to do all those things… And he’s no longer here to do them. And that just hurts.”

I write out all those words and take some deep breaths.

My body aches. It’s sore. I need Self-Care.

“I’m a Controller. Which means I need to DO to soothe. I need to comfort my Self.”

I think about what I can do and think of the theater tonight.

I like him. He’s the pianist there. But then I think about the pending possibilities and my stomach clenches.

“That’s my Intuition saying, No.”

Listen to the gut. If it says No, then it’s a No.

I sign onto Facebook and the Energy there hits me and I’m drained.

“No people,” I say. I need to isolate and be alone.

I need water. I think about going to the beach, and I feel the longing in my gut.

Intuition. Definitely yes to the water.

I think again of the spa and the oils there. The shower. And I decide.

A few weeks ago, I didn’t know to listen to my Intuition. I didn’t know to acknowledge, validate, then settle the emotions with a brief session.

Comfort.

Security.

Safety.

I see now how very different I am. And how I’m finally claiming that. I have no clan to call my own. I’m not meant to have a clan to call my own. I’ll be spending the rest of my life, shielding and shutting out others to limit and manage how much attention I get.

I like the blogging. The Podcast. It lets people learn from me. They can get close. And it doesn’t hurt or drain me.

Pain.

Loss. That is my love… My VIP… And feeling… I have no idea how to fit a lover or partner into this life.

I try to imagine ANYONE else in that position.

Confusion. Fog clouds my Cognitive Function.

“No!” The Universe says.

I imagine a different future. One where my love and I have found our place. I am beside him. He is off… I am meant to be alone.

“No!” The Universe says.

“Oh, okay!” I imagine him there with me, and the confusion clears.

The panic and fear vanish.

And he’s there.

I love that I can just sit here, listen to my body working and moving and interacting with the elements around me… and I know EACH AND EVERY flux, feeling, emotion… and I know what it means, where it comes from, and why.

And I feel like now, I’m just exhausted because I am a week away from being raped. I am just recovering from Retrograde.

The spa it is.

The Seidr Cycle #2

Okay. Here is a first glance at this…

“People born with Libra in the First House are friends with everybody because they know how to act in public and what to say for no one to be offended.

They don’t mind making compromises and finding the middle solutions, so many are seeing them as problem solvers. More than this, they’re looking for balance and can feel like they no longer have the control when some surroundings are missing harmony.”

From Here.

Now… this is from my VIP’s chart. He’s a Cancer. Who has a severe aversion to conflict with a significant trigger to conflict. He’s the “peacemaker” in the family and his Subconscious will do ANYTHING to avoid conflict, to the point of Stonewalling (without realizing that what he is doing is Stonewalling)… Now look at his sign.

“so many are seeing them as problem solvers.“

Extraordinary. I have a hunch… that our Birth charts and Human Design determine if we will be an Avoidant or a Controller later on. According to his birth chart, his need to mediate and problem solve to avoid conflict is very much written in the stars… and goes on to, when out of balance, and I think this is all about the balance, become activated. But that results in an extreme imbalance from him that favors the Avoidant. Likewise, his mental conditions all weigh in on the Avoidant… and… Here is my theory.

If I read your chart, knowing what I know about Psychology, and being able to read the Energy… and, because my Crown, my G, and my Heart Chakra are ALL undefined… I can see it. I also have a strong magnetism, drawing in way too much of the wrong type of people, while also grounding myself in the Earth with my four… FOUR elements all in Taurus.

I can see how Psychology overlaps Astrology and Human Design, Energy Reading, and Reiki… I can see it… When I need to “fix” myself, I need to apply Psychology and examine the imbalance of my Cognitive Core. But it’s my sensitivity to the Energy that is also contributing to my misalignment.

I have to balance the Alignment of my Cognitive Core.

I have to balance my Undefined Energy Stores

I have to Find the balance of my… I feel the ball of Energy is currently aligned.

It’s Aligned with my Identity, and with the Universe, my Desires, I cannot afford confusion. Which means, the moment I become Misaligned in my Psychology, I’m confused… It’s like I’m steering the ship and I lose the compass and the sexton. And I can’t read the Stars.

The Cognitive Core is the sexton and the compass. “Am I heading in the right direction?”
The Identity’s Desires, hopes, and dreams… what the Id loves is the Heading. The Direction and the Destination. “I want…” Where are we going?
The Energy… is all the potential impending dangers or scenic routes that can make our journey beautiful or dangerous or fatal.
The Conscious Mind is The Captain.
Astrology and Human Design are the Ship itself. “This is how I’m going to get there.”
The Universe and The Vortex are the wind and the Sea.

Now… let’s bring this all together.

My Cognitive Core is solid and clear. No confusion. I know who I am. I hope and I dream for my Healing Garden to flourish and became beautiful, big, and strong so everyone will have a safe place to come to and heal. I am Taurus which means my ship will be extravagant and cozy. There will be a fine dining restaurant on board and I will host many events. I will teach and educate others. I will have spared no expense and it will be grand and gorgeous. And I will name it… A Thousand Years. And I know I’ll need a lot of quiet time on my journey. I will need to embrace my Sage mode while I lead through example and teach others. I will use my life to show others what I have learned. The wind and the sea, they carry me… and when we all align, the journey is beautiful.

And I, as the Captain… For me, the Energy is… Me reading… the impending storm. The Energy is the school of sharks beneath us. It’s the unexplored lands. It’s the icebergs that threaten a smooth journey. But I, as the Captain, can read all of this. And can steer us clear of all of those obstacles. Or I can use them for our advantage as we pick up wind. We catch a current. We circumvent the storm and use the momentum to avoid the iceberg and sail straight into a sunset.

Five years ago, I was curled up in a corner of the ship’s deck, my knees tucked into my chest while I held my head and the storm pounded down on me. No heading. No compass. No… No one was at the helm.

I still remember the day the storm cleared and I saw bright skies. I remember that moment in my healing journey.

Now do you see?

This is life. And you are the Captain. But most of us are confused, have no compass or sexton, and can’t navigate the stars. Some us, most of us know what ship we would sail in, but they only know things like… It would be brown and have sails. But they would have no idea who we are or where we are going. You are kind of aware of the wind and the sea and you know that they are part of it, but you don’t quite know how. And so many of you cannot read the signs.

But you came into this world. You were made a Captain and handed a ship. And that is as far as you got. And you can’t figure out why you’re not happy? You can’t figure out why you keep attracting the same toxic people? You can’t figure out how “these things keep happening to you?”

Some people who I speak to lack a compass and a heading. (Astrologers and Psychics)

Other people, all they have is the compass and a heading. (Psychologists)

Most people I speak to, lack ALL of the things. They are a Captain with a ship.

And no one has any idea what I see. So… This is what I do. I teach people all of this so you can navigate through life.

The Seidr Cycle

“When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?… Too much sanity may be madness, and maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be.” – Don Quixote, Miguel de Cervantes

Ironic how much Don Quixote is so much a part of my life.

I’m happy… and then I was sad.

I went from feeling relieved from the answers, and I’m sad. I’m…

There is a lot in this world we do not see, nor do we understand. Many of us grow up with fantasies and expectations of what life will be, ideally, in a perfect world. And then we spend our adulthood being horribly disappointed.

I don’t know what the future will bring and that scares me.

I’ve seen things, I know things, I feel things… We create machines to measure this world we live in to try and understand.

Sometimes, I feel like we’re all just shifting ourselves, trying to find “the right position” to look upon a situation and just so we can gain the broadest perspective.

And just like that, you stop fighting. Just like that, your perspective does shift and you see, you really see what is. You stop arguing with the “magic” of the world. You stop resisting “the universe.” You finally OWN what you are and you step into the role designated, yes… designated, at your birth and you just accept.

You accept what that means. You accept the responsibilities. You accept the losses that this acceptance will bring. You accept the gains. You accept the pain. You accept it all. I don’t waste my time on trinkets and rituals. I studied Freyja and the origins to a lot of modern practices and superstitions.

I talk to some people. A few moments pass by and then… I realize what they believe. I can stop the act. I drop pretending. And I open up and reveal myself. And this is dishonest living. But too much has been too accurate for me to ignore. Too much is too…

I have known for a very long time that there is “something” out there. And to deny it, is to deny a huge part of me. Psychics pick me out of a crowd. Energy Readers and Healers feel me. I’ve had my Tarot read and she just… I know what I am. There is too much too consistent for me to deny it any more and the love of my life cannot follow me here. I have to walk this path alone.

I am a witch. I have the infamous witch’s mark on my back. I was born with it. I had a familiar once. I have always had black cats. We are drawn to each other. People look at me and call me hippie. I call me hippie. But really, I’m a witch. This last Retrograde, it was so hard on me… and just because the majority of the world doesn’t know, and the general population… the Narcissists… Oof! Narcissists HATE witches. So much. Because witches can see right through them. I See the Seidr. I wrote books on this.

I haven’t been able to write in years… because where my Seidkona goes next is where I have been needing to go. I am looking for a Mentor. Several actually. And the only place for Kallan to find her mentors is among her enemies. But if she is going to study… She is me.

I See now. I See it all.

I have to be careful what words I speak because when I speak, things happen. My wishes always come true. In jest, I called myself a witch. In jest, for years, I would watch what I say… I do not know my own power.

I want to be taken seriously. I want to be credible. And I am. Anyone who speaks to me for 5 minutes knows this about me. Maybe, I need to stop worrying about keeping up appearances. Maybe, I need to stop worrying about labels and titles. Maybe, I need to only focus on being my authentic self, aligned with my truth. Because all I know is when I am not aligned with both my Psychology AND my Energy, I am in severe pain.

And that is my truth. I am done denying. Sometimes, I will speak on what I know and what I am told. Other times, I will speak on my lessons. I am learning. And I’m not dabbling anymore. I’m diving deep into this. I am OWNING Who and what I am.

When you’ve known something all your life, but you’ve resisted it because you’re scared. Scared of being called “crazy.” Scared of being called “insane.”

But I See things… I Feel things… I’m tuned in and I am sensitive to the Shifts. And pain always comes to me when I’m denying what I See, sense, feel, or just “know.” They already call me crazy. They already call me whatever they need to make sense of me. And that is what I do… I prove to people what they try to deny. I am tired of suppressing myself and my truth to make others feel comfortable with their lies.

I am tired of suppressing my Self and my Truths to make others feel comfortable with their lies. I will not help you lie to yourself.

That is my power. That is my truth.

That this Energy just moves and flows, and I’ve hurt people with it. And I’ve exhausted Psychology. And when I’m all out of answers, I always find direction again in the Energy.

So here it is. This is what I am, I am finally ready to accept what I am.

And when I studied… When I studied Norway and the Sami… Oh my god, did I feel it there. And I feel it in the ruins. I feel it in Ireland. Tipperary. Right in the dead center. If there is still magic in this world, it is in Ireland. And the Drui… And I feel it in the Middle East and in Japan. I feel it in the forests of New York.

I’m done hiding. I’m done pretending what I don’t see. I’m done pretending what I don’t know. So here I am.

I have been in love with my partner for a very VERY long time. I followed the Energies to New York City in search of him. That is why I backpacked through New York for a year. I was looking for him. Near the end, I was meeting with man after man for 5 minute dates… just scanning him, shaking him head saying, “No. I’m looking for someone and you aren’t him.”

And I knew him the moment I saw him. The Energy that screamed at me to keep looking instantly fell silent… and every time I turn away from him, the Energy SCREAMS at me. Every time I tell him I’m leaving, my Energy screams. And it sends a vast pain through me… because it violates my truth, that he is the man I was born to love. Loving him just feels… right. It feels like that is where I am supposed to be.

Loving him feels good. It feels right. It feels like this is where I need to be. Why would I ever move on from this when loving him feels like it’s where I’m supposed to be?

And that is the truth I have resisted… since 2019, when I opened up this door and I ran into it with my logic and science… And now, the evidence is overwhelming, but every gaslighter is in my head, replaying back every negative they have said to me.

So hi. I am Anna. I am not supposed to exist. But I do. I am supposed to be dead. I am supposed to beaten down, stupid, ignorant, an addict, a cutter. Sorry to disappoint. I am supposed to be flaky and stupid, shallow, and simple. I’m supposed to be everything I am not. I am supposed to be an alcoholic and a loser and an overweight woman married to a man who beats me.

I am not supposed to intelligent and beautiful. I am not supposed to be ethereal and educated. I am not supposed to know what I know in Psychology and believe and follow Astrology as passionately as I do.

I am not supposed to be able to make people cry just by hugging them. I am not supposed to read the Energy like I do. And where I grew up, where I was raped into submission… I can’t obey. I can’t marry and settle down. I have too much… My throat chakra is open. It is healed. I feel it now. I was warned it would all happen fast. And I can feel the flood gates opening.

Over the next few days I will be journalling. Posting. Blogging. Vlogging. It’s like a purge. A lifelong poison… I’m purging the toxins.

Okay… momma, has work to do. I know who I am. I know what I am.

I claim Me.

Below is a video with a transcript on my recent birth chart reading by one hell of a Reader. If you’re curious about my chart… Take a look.

https://fathom.video/share/Yq28vMz5xYJNBVcyZyK7pGSXBLfoZPvT

Dear NIMH – Entry #10

I am angry.

And I just need to vent the anger and get it out. I want to… I’ve run out of words.

It’s just a long quiet silence inside of me, and I can’t release the pain.

…

Next morning.

The pain has been the hardest part. It’s like this thing that sits inside of me. This truth that I know is there and I can’t get away from it. I can’t dig it out. It just hurts.

I just found my quiet laugh. I was there for three beautiful, blissful weeks… and then I’m upturned again.

I got a tattoo last night. I stopped smoking and drinking. I’m cutting out all drugs. I don’t need them anymore and, apparently, it is imperative that I stay vigilant. Especially when in public.

The tattoo… It felt like I was adding a shield to my body and a source of comfort. It made me feel safer. It added certainty to my Self. And I think that is the battle I am currently fighting. Certainty. My Subconscious all knows what was done to me. I went to the NYPD yesterday.

Belief. Every time we are abused, the abuser attacks your beliefs and your ability to form a healthy perspective. The first person who you have to convince is your Self. You know what happens. You are logical and can form logical deduction… But when your Self-Esteem is shaken, your ability to determine a healthy Perspective is the first thing they take from you.

Most people let their Voices die in this stage. They say nothing. I can feel it.

But if I say nothing, I know the damage that will cause to my System. It doesn’t matter what was done or said. All that matters is what was ethically right and what was ethically wrong.

The police were adamant I talk to someone.

I could hear the scripts being recited back to me. My whole life I was forced to believe the beliefs of others. Forced to believe… We never talk about that. Forced to believe religions. Forced to believe innocence and guilt. Forced to believe we are not capable of choice. Forced to believe we NEED someone who is bad for us. Forced to believe we had a moment of “crazy.” No. I did NOT! I am have a plethora of sex rules and practices that I use on everyone because my sexual past is so problematic.

I never consent to one-night-stands. Juan and I have had many a discussion on these. I do not like, desire, or want anyone touching me with first discussing expectations, three dates, at least are required, and I never consent to sex unless I am sober.

I’m the one who walks around sex parties naked with a band on my wrist that says, “Too drunk to consent” because consent fucking matters!

I am terrified of penis. I am terrified of being in a room alone with a man. I am a lesbian! I would never, in my right sober men consent to a random, one-night-stand with HIM of all people. He and I had discussed it. It was never going to happen. And the ONLY reason why it did was because he took advantage of my intoxicated, possibly drugged, self. There was another man there who figured it out and left the room. Why couldn’t he?

I can’t… stop thinking about it. I can’t stop replaying all the “would have’s,” “could have’s,” “should have’s” that are going on in my head. And the conclusion keeps coming back to one solid point: I was so intoxicated that I required help walking. I was so intoxicated and/or drugged that I was fading in and out of consciousness. I was so intoxicated and/or drugged that I threw up. I was so intoxicated and/or drugged that he said to me several times while raping me, “Wow… you are so drugged.”

I was so intoxicated and/or drugged that I said, “I think I’ve been roofied” and he gaslit me and just kept fucking me. And did not stop.

And now he’s texting my Juan like their buddies… they always go after the ones who are dearest to me.

I don’t know how to function like this. I don’t know how to clear my mind and focus on parenting and work. I can’t stop thinking about this.

Dear NIMH.

Joshua. Something has happened to me that I need to share with you.

Today is my birthday. I am 43 years old. It is also Mother’s Day. And this Wednesday, on 10 May 2023, I was raped.

Someone who I thought was a friend, invited me to a spa to celebrate my birthday. The evening began with my having smoke a bowl, I ate 2 gummies at 125 mg Total, and no alcohol. I took the gummies around 9:00 PM.

Today, just now, I took the same dosage. The exact same dosage. And the 3 hour marked kicked in at about the time I started writing to you.

My heart beat is … 4:46… I took the gummies at 4:14.

That night, I took the gummies at 9:00… They kicked in by 10:00 while we were walking to the subway. And then we road the train to Eris… I was high when we got to the bar and I learned it was a surprise birthday party. My love. Juan. He was not there. I asked my friend why Juan was not invited and why wasn’t he there. I messaged Juan and invited him and then we got to the bar. It was 12:00.

I’m scared. I’ve been scared since Wednesday. Joshua. I was slipped a roofie that night. And I was taken down to the ground floor while intoxicated. I could not stand or walk on my own. I was that drugged and/or intoxicated. And everyone knew it. Everyone. The whole group.

While I lay on the floor unable to move, I writhed and pulled a man toward me. I rubbed my friend (female), and I kept moving on him… the thing is, a week prior, after a series of dates with THIS man, I had told him just a week prior that I was a lesbian and Juan is a man… which is why we broke up. But I’m in love with him. So in love with him. But I can’t. Yet, here I was that night grinding on a… MAN!? I. DON’T. TOUCH. MEN.

And yet. They have a recording of me begging them to touch me. Despite 6 months of hard documented journals and blogs about the healing process I use to recover from trauma. And, Joshua… I documented ALL OF IT. Since 2015 and on… All I have been doing is documenting my healing journey.

Which proves, if a licensed doctor could read and vouch for me. And confirm my findings… Doctor Joshua… I need you to read my material and diagnose me please. Please. Show me… Show them… Show the world that it works. That I found the cure to mental illness. Because I used it on me.

Joshua.

The man who raped me is an attorney. I have been raped by attorneys in the past. They are a unique type of rapist. They are logical and they have studied psychology while they sit in a position of power… Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And they use words and psychology to move the pieces around their puppet world to see just how they can control… Being a lawyer is a Narcissist’s wet dream.

Now… My theory is that this man who raped me… he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Which means his “Jerry” or his Emergency System runs on Fear and not Guilt. If you turn to Fear, you are a “Controller” who seeks to CHANGE THE OTHERS through any number of situations or people to feel safe by creating the illusion of safety. Fight.

If you turn to Guilt, you are an “Avoider” who seeks to escape in order to feel safe by CHANGING THE SELF by becoming the “invisible.” Flee.

The rare individual has both qualities. They are both A Controller and an Avoider. This is where Borderline Personality Disorder develops. To which the Attachment Style Disorganized-Anxious Attachment Style ensues. The Borderline forces you to reside on both metrics, which causes significant misaligned in the Cognitive Core. For the Borderline cannot be all avoidant or all controller. We are forced to choose sides making us more susceptible to alignment. And the Empath is born… made as a fail safe the subconscious sets off to protect the MIND from ITSELF.

Trauma is when the Subconscious Mind wages war against the SELF. And the Id, the INDIVIDUAL IS DIVIDED.

And how we Divide is what determines which mental illness you have. Are you a Fighter or a Runner? Second question: Which Attachment Style are you?

Me? I am Disorganized Attachment and I am BOTH a Fighter and a Runner.

Congratulations, Anna. You fall into the Borderline Category. Borderline is only caused by X, Y, and Z, which means x, y, and z DID happen to you. So just on the attachment style and fighter or runner, you can determine exactly what happened to a person, but most importantly, you can help them cure it by just altering the CORE beliefs in the Cognitive Core, and gently (not to fast), remove the belief. Slowly. When beliefs are altered too quickly, GRIEF occurs. Grief can be avoided if beliefs are altered slowly and gently.

THAT is how sensitive our Systems are the THE ENERGY. It is 5:13 PM. This is me HIGH with 2 gummies as info provided in the start of this letter. Joshua. I need you to tell them how smart I am. Please.

My IQ was 185 in 1995 when I was 15 years old. It has gone up since then. Please Joshua. Read my material and talk to me. Diagnose me. I’m going to need you when I take that fucking son of a bitch down.

Anna Imagination

PS… Is it 5:07 PM… I’m feeling groovy. Cognitive function is still exceptionally high. I’m feeling REALLY hungry. And dude… I am sooo floating! And I can still rationalize and talk psyche. I would love to tell you about my Rorschach Print Perspective.

5:14 PM n 14 May 14515

Oh… Numerology… I SEE it. I understand it now. I see the spiral. I am in the Vortex.

Dear NIMH – Entry #8

Present Day

I am using my relationship as a test subject for my research, which is why I talk so much on it.

I have been in chronic emotional pain since July 2021. Shortly after my partner told me he was afraid of his decline in intimacy with me, that planted a seed of fear in me that very quickly spread through me like wild fire.

Within three months… it was like his speaking his fear out loud caused he and I to focus on this fear and together, we both manifested our worst nightmare. The relationship quality, almost immediately, declined. Within three months, we were constantly in conflict and “problem” mode. The pain, fear, inside of me consumed me and him.

We had only been dating a month. His Avoidant Attachment Style kicked in. My Disorganized Attachment sunk its claws in. But we endured.

We spent a lot of time licking each other’s wounds. Caring for each other through it all. Taking turns, literally, providing love and comfort to the other and wiping each other’s tears while we suffered through the worst of it.

It’s extraordinary really, how deeply we love each other. That, a week after our “actual” break up, we were together comforting each other through it.

The fights worsened. My healing turned ugly. Very ugly. And still, he and I endured. I realized a few months ago that this is Stage #4 of the relationship. And what we did to survive it, every couple needs. The love and loyalty we built is still there and going strong.

He is my partner. He is my primary priority. And no matter what turns the world, that does not change. For me. This is self-awareness. I have communicated these findings to my partner and have explained it all to him. Including what I need to do to alter the beliefs that keep this perspective strongly in place. It’s my partner vs. my ethical and belief system.

Isn’t that the way of life though. It truly is our Cognitive Core System vs. the World.

I cannot begin to explain the mental pain I have been living with since July 2021. It is why I began hunting for the answer to the question: What is pain? Where does it come from? How do I cure it?

I felt like Greg House taking strange case after strange case, just so I could learn more, gain more knowledge to find my answer… And I did. That is why I am writing to you. Because it is my dream to work with NIMH one day, to tell you all I know, and to share my journey with you.

And why should I wait? So… I began journalling my own research and experience as I grow. As I learn.

Abstract – 6 May 2023

Angela B. Chrysler

Thesis – Pain and Emotional suffering is caused from the mis-alignment or contradictions created between our ethics, our beliefs, our actions and/or behaviors, our voice/words, and our perspective. The greater the contradiction, the greater the pain.

Study, Test Subject (Self)

My perspective, “Juan is my life partner,” was compromised on 20 July 2021 when he expressed a fear that he was losing interest in intimacy. Fear began inside of me, the threat of loss, which threatened the Perspective.

Fear is only the obsessive focus on a fictionalized future that threatens our current perspective.

The Fear proceeded to motive a series of actions from myself to prevent the future I was most afraid of. Which drove my partner away. Which reinforced the fear. Which panicked me and only drove me to “try harder” to prevent the future I feared most from happening.

The fear turned to pain by October 2021. A pain I could not terminate, medicate, end, or find relief from. The pain contributed to my sporadic episodes of insanity that matched my fear. My partner was subjected to the worst of this.

Despite the conflict, the pain, the fear, my partner and I endured it. The middle of our arguments were paused for laughter, jokes, sex, a kind smile. The end of our arguments were always concluded with apologies and affirmations of love.

During this procession, my partner invited me to use his home, his space, and his body to heal. And that I did. His home became something I call a Healing Home. I felt so safe within his home, that my Alters and my Core finally felt safe enough to reveal themselves. April 2022, one of my Alters, Kallan, came out and wrote a letter to Juan, telling him that I had DID, and I, Joanna/Anna, did not know.

For the record, I am writing this as Angela. The Core. I reached full and stable integration in the third week of April 2023. Nearly a full year to the day my Alters revealed themselves.

My partner is a very sensitive, tender soul. And the horrors I had to relive during my healing traumatized him. He was too close to the healing. On the last week of September 2022, nearly one year after the Fear consumed me, my partner asked to change (not end) the relationship.

My past behavior would have sent me into a series of toxic sex and dating. This time, I committed myself to healthy healing. Because only healthy healing will lead to healthy recovery. Healing is the building of a foundation. I turned inward, and focused on self-love. I was now, serious about resolving my mental illnesses.

The pain was, at this time, substantial, which sent me deeper into the world of research.

I don’t know when. I can’t really tell you which season, month, or day that I realized pain is just discomfort. I would have to go back through my journals to see. Then there was the day I realized that pain and emotions, all emotions, come from this Cognitive Core Center I felt inside my Id. Angel.

How, whenever a belief contradicted my ethics, actions, words, or perspective, I suffered substantial pain. And when I changed my belief, I began the Stages of Grief. And then, afterward, there was calm and acceptance.

I dedicated the next two days to just memorizing the emotion. Memorizing Emotions is a technique I invented specifically for this exercise. By memorizing emotion, we learn it, we are exposed to it, we open up the ability to explore the emotion. It is literally sitting with the emotion.

Today, 6 May 2023, I used Memorizing the Emotion, “pain” to locate the source of contradiction between my belief and my perspective. The belief “We are still a couple. We are still each other’s Primary” contradicted his voice and, only recently, and sporadically, his actions.

That loyalty inside of me for him, bound me to him ethically. And that my loyalty for him contradicts the reality.

The real contradiction was believing that his perspective had to match my perspective. That belief shifted this morning. And that change allowed, yes allowed, my perspective to remain separate from his and unaltered. It allowed his perspective to remain separate from mine and unaltered.

And that, so long as we had this contract between us that he nor I will terminate, the loyalty is still there. We are a couple. I feel free. In that instant, the Fear, the Pain that I had been carrying around for 2 years vanished.

For the first time in 2 years, I am pain free.

This was not an accident. I did this all deliberately and on purpose using precise exact techniques that I have been implementing since 9/11.

In a way, this cure is a direct consequence of 9/11.

Self care. The next stage of this process is Self-Care.

I call this Operation: Imagination. It is my life work. This is what I wish to share with you.

But this Shift took a lot out of me, and relieved 2 years of pain from me. Today and tomorrow are all about my self-care, self-love, and gentle compassion and tenderness toward myself. The following days will be adjusting myself to this new perspective and memorizing the emotion to make it my new familiar.

By learning a new familiar, I redefine my comfort zone.